Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 came out this year to the highest of praises from critics and fans alike. It was the sequel we all wanted to the 2009 Best Picture Winner and more. So it may come as a surprise to you that there are currently no plans for a Paul Blart 3. This is baffling because the trilogy must be completed. So if Sony is unwilling to fulfill its destiny or just feel too much pressure to try and top the latest installment, I have an idea for Paul Blart 3 that will blow peoples’ minds.
3 words: DARK AND GRITTY. That’s right. Paul Blart is a character that has been dying for an R rating and the best way to achieve his ultimate form is by making him dark and gritty. Kevin James, who was the runner-up to Ben Affleck for the role of Batman in 2016’s Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, has the dramatic chops to pull off such a feat and has been on record saying that he would love to go dark and gritty. Also, I have heard from my inside sources that The Dark Knight‘s Christopher Nolan is interested in taking over the franchise so dark and gritty is definitely the way to go.
Now, let’s talk story. Paul Blart 3 will take place 20 years after the events of Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2. Paul, who has been an established Mall Cop for many years now, is very old and weary but he’s not done yet. After a team of superheroes destroys not 1 but 2 cities, Paul must come out of retirement to see what this team is all about. He smartly baits them into believing they have “Buy 1, Get 50% Off” coupons to The Gap in the mall. Once the team enters, he quickly does a barrel roll and sends the mall into lockdown. That is when we get our first look at the team: THE AVENGERS.
Iron Man, Captain America, Thor, The Hulk, Black Widow, and Hawkeye all stand completely dumbfounded. Paul (now in a metal suit with a cape and glowing blue eyes) turns to them and says, “Tell me. Do you bleed? YOU WILL”. A battle commences and while Earth’s Mightiest Heroes should be winning big, Paul is keeping up with them, making it an even fight. Many of the stores in the mall are destroyed during the fight. After relentless action, Paul sees the collateral damage he has caused and realizes that he is no better than them. This scene will be very emotional and I’m thinking that this could be the video that is played when they announce Kevin James as an Oscar nominee for Best Actor.
After The Avengers and Paul sort out their differences, it is revealed that they must team up to defeat the evil efforts of Facebook™‘s Mark Zuckerberg. The heroes fly over to Zuckerberg’s to reveal that he has built himself a giant, green and purple mec-suit so that he can fight. Zuckerberg is upset that The Avengers did not accept his friend request on Facebook™ so he threatens to destroy the world! Mark Zuckerberg seems to have the upper hand until Paul realizes that he must save The Avengers so he sacrifices himself to save them. Another very emotional and oscar worthy scene for Kevin James commences. The Avengers hold Paul in their hands as a tear falls down his cheek all the way to his mustache. Paul Blart has DIED. This gives The Avengers the push to defeat Zuckerberg in memory of their fat friend. BUT WAIT, the stone in Zuckerberg’s suit is actually an INFINITY STONE! The Avengers rush to Paul’s side and stick the stone in his forehead. PAUL RETURNS TO LIFE!
With a new life ahead of him and a lot of property damage to clean up, Paul and The Avengers go their separate ways. Nick Fury and Maria Hill come out of nowhere in the middle of a conversation. Nick says, “They’ll come back”. Maria: “How do you know?. Nick: “Because we’ll need them to”. ROLL CREDITS. Directed by Christopher Nolan appears on the screen. Die hard fans know not to leave the movie during the credits. An extra scene comes on that is The Avengers trying to eat shawarma but Paul stealing all of theirs and eating it for himself. Everybody has a good laugh. At the very end, the text PAUL BLART WILL RETURN IN AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR PART 1 appears.
So Sony, there is my pitch for Paul Blart: Mall Cop 3. It shouldn’t be hard to get the rights to The Avengers, especially since you just made the deal with Marvel for Spider-Man. Call me as soon as you come to your senses and want to make this movie. I’ll keep my phone on.